An Uncommunicative Couple?

Rabbi Reuven Mann

Communication as the Key to Marital Success

What is the most consequential feature of successful marriages? Most therapists and marriage counselors would likely point to the ability to communicate effectively. This skill is vital not only for marriages but for all human relationships. The success of any partnership hinges on the participants’ ability to exchange ideas, resolve disagreements, and collaborate through meaningful dialogue.

This trait is exemplified in the marriage of our first patriarch, Avraham, and our matriarch, Sarah. Their relationship was characterized by open communication and shared decision-making. For instance, when Avraham feared that the men in Egypt or Gerar would kill him to take Sarah, he shared his concerns with her. Together, they agreed to pose as siblings to protect themselves.

Sarah also took the initiative to suggest that Avraham marry her maidservant, Hagar, so they could produce an heir. Even during conflicts, such as when Hagar acted disrespectfully toward Sarah, she voiced her grievance to Avraham. He responded by advising her to address the matter as she deemed appropriate.

The most significant disagreement between Avraham and Sarah concerned Yishmael. Observing Yishmael’s mocking behavior toward Yitzchak, Sarah insisted that Avraham send away Hagar and her son to protect Yitzchak’s rightful position as heir: “Drive out this slave woman with her son; for the son of that slave woman shall not inherit with my son, with Yitzchak!” (Bereishit 21:10).

Avraham was deeply pained by this request and reluctant to act. However, Hashem intervened, instructing him, “Whatever Sarah tells you, heed her voice, since through Yitzchak will offspring be considered yours” (Bereishit 21:12). Rashi explains that Hashem affirmed Sarah’s greater insight into this matter. Avraham ultimately followed her directive and, without delay, sent Hagar and Yishmael on their way.

Avraham and Sarah’s marriage serves as a model of collaboration and mutual respect, where open communication and shared decision-making enabled them to navigate challenges and maintain unity.

Rivka and Yitzchak: A Unique Relationship

In contrast, the marriage of Rivka and Yitzchak followed a different pattern. From the outset, their separateness is apparent. While both prayed for a child, Rashi comments on Bereishit 25:21 that they prayed individually: “He prayed in one corner, and she prayed in the other corner.” Notably, Hashem’s response to Yitzchak’s prayer underscores the distinctiveness of their petitions rather than a unified effort.

When Rivka experienced an unusually turbulent pregnancy, she exclaimed, “If so, why am I thus?” (Bereishit 25:22). Rather than consult her husband, a known prophet, she sought guidance from Shem and Ever, who were renowned for their prophetic insight. Moreover, she did not share the divine message she received with Yitzchak, a striking contrast to the open dialogue seen in Avraham and Sarah’s relationship.

The lack of communication culminates during Yitzchak’s decision to bless his sons. Rivka, realizing that Yitzchak intended to bless Eisav, regarded this as a grave error with potentially disastrous consequences for the Abrahamic legacy. She “overheard” Yitzchak instructing Eisav, “Hunt game for me. Then prepare delicacies for me such that I love and bring it to me and I will eat; so that my soul may bless you before I die.” (Bereishit 27:3-4).

Viewing this decision as a fatal mistake, Rivka did not confront Yitzchak directly. Instead, she devised a plan to thwart his intentions by enlisting Yaakov to impersonate Eisav and receive the blessings. When Yaakov expressed concern that his father might recognize the deception and curse him, Rivka reassured him with unwavering confidence: “Your curse shall be upon me, my son; only go fetch them for me” (Bereishit 27:13).

After being deprived of Yitzchak’s blessing, Eisav became furious and resolved to kill Yaakov after their father’s passing. Although Eisav kept his plans secret, Rivka somehow discovered them. Yet, she again refrained from informing Yitzchak. Instead, she warned Yaakov of the danger and instructed him to seek refuge with her brother Lavan until Eisav’s anger subsided, and it was safe to return to Canaan.

Yaakov could not leave home without his father’s explicit approval. To ensure Yaakov’s departure, Rivka skillfully maneuvered her unsuspecting husband and framed his journey as a search for a suitable wife. She appealed to Yitzchak, referencing Eisav’s unsavory marriages: “I am disgusted with my life because of the daughters of Cheit. If Yaakov marries a woman like these, from the daughters of the land, what good will my life be to me?” (Bereishit 27:46). Yitzchak, unaware of her true motive and Eisav’s murderous intent, arrived at the same conclusion as Rivka and urged Yaakov to travel to Lavan, her brother, to find a wife.

This pattern of minimal communication between Yitzchak and Rivka raises questions. Why did Rivka feel the need to act unilaterally, even going so far as to thwart her husband’s plans? Did such behavior reflect egotism or arrogance? This is certainly not the case. The answer, rather, lies in the unique dynamics of their relationship.

Complementary Roles in a Sacred Partnership

The marriage of Yitzchak and Rivka demonstrates that there is no single blueprint for a successful marital union. Unlike Avraham and Sarah, whose personalities lent themselves to joint communication and problem-solving, Yitzchak and Rivka operated within separate and complementary roles.

Yitzchak is described by the Rabbis as an Olah Temima (an unblemished burnt offering). This sacrifice is completely incinerated on the Altar, with no part of it consumed by the Kohanim. Similarly, Yitzchak devoted himself entirely to Hashem, directing all his energies toward spiritual service and abstract thought, leaving mundane matters to others.

Rivka, by contrast, was highly attuned to the practical realities of the world. From a young age, she demonstrated independence and boldness. When her family hesitated to let her leave immediately, they asked if she was ready to “go with this man.” She confidently replied, Eileich (“I will go!”) (Bereishit 24:58).

Already, Rivka manifested the insight to recognize Eliezer’s genuine trustworthiness and the courage to leave the security of her family to embark on a new life in a foreign land. Her practical wisdom and boldness were vital in navigating the challenges that arose in their family life.

Rivka had the utmost respect for her husband and recognized his spiritual greatness in the realm of abstract religious ideas. However, she also understood that his strengths did not extend to matters of practical judgment, particularly concerning their children.

Hashem entrusted Rivka alone with the prophecy regarding her sons: “Two nations are in your womb… the elder shall serve the younger” (Bereishit 25:23). This divine message affirmed her responsibility to guide the family’s future, just as her mother-in-law, Sarah, had done. Rivka’s actions, though unconventional, were rooted in a profound understanding of what was necessary to preserve the Abrahamic legacy.

Thus, she refrained from confronting Yitzchak about his attitude toward their sons or informing him that his plan to include Eisav in the blessings was misguided. She knew that such an approach would be fruitless and could jeopardize their mission. Instead, Rivka devised a plan with Yaakov to ensure that Yitzchak’s blessings would be conferred upon the younger but truly deserving son.

However, a stumbling block emerged. Yaakov expressed valid concerns about the deception, saying, “Perhaps my father will feel me, and I shall be as a mocker in his eyes; I will thus bring upon myself a curse rather than a blessing” (Bereishit 27:12). While Yaakov understood the importance of securing the Brachot (blessings) from Eisav, he was unwilling to risk a curse from his father. Rivka, recognizing the legitimacy of her son’s fear, reassured him with great boldness and supreme confidence in her wisdom: “Your curse shall be on me, my son; only go fetch them for me” (Bereishit 27:13). Convinced by her resolve, Yaakov followed her plan, successfully securing the blessings and ensuring that Eisav would not assume a prominent role in the future of Am Yisrael (the Nation of Israel).

Rivka’s independence and courage were instrumental in the development of Klal Yisrael (the Nation of Israel). She was masterful in managing her relationship with Yitzchak and in raising their children. Their marriage was smooth and harmonious because both were fully dedicated to the same ideals. Yitzchak, who never left Eretz Yisrael (the Land of Israel), focused on elevating the religious movement of Avraham to unprecedented spiritual heights. Rivka ensured the transmission of Torah to the next generation by orchestrating that all of Yitzchak’s blessings would be conferred upon their truly qualified son, Yaakov.

Lessons in Marital Harmony

The relationships of Avraham and Sarah and Yitzchak and Rivka illustrate the diversity of successful marriages. Avraham and Sarah thrived on open communication, while Yitzchak and Rivka relied on their distinct roles and complementary strengths. Both models were rooted in respect, shared values, and a commitment to spiritual ideals.

Rivka exemplified the Eishet Chayil (Woman of Valor), as described in Mishlei 31:11: “Her husband’s heart has trust in her, and he shall lack no fortune.” Her decisiveness and courage were instrumental in safeguarding the future of Klal Yisrael.

From these stories, we learn that successful marriages do not conform to a single standard. Rather, they are built on mutual respect and dedication to shared spiritual goals.

May we merit to emulate these great Women of Valor and build harmonious and meaningful unions which enable us to faithfully transmit the Derech HaChaim (Lifestyle) of Torah in this contemporary day and age.

Shabbat Shalom.

Questions? Comments? Please reach out to Rabbi Mann on WhatsApp 050-709-2372 or by email at: rebmann21@aol.com or to Mitch Rosner on WhatsApp 054-426-3419 or by email at: mitchrosner@gmail.com

Dear Friends,

My newest book, Eternally Yours: Torah’s Enduring Relevance for a Life of Wisdom on Devarim, has been published, and is now available at: https://amzn.to/3NBewg7

I hope that my essays will enhance your reading and study of the Book of Devarim and would greatly appreciate a brief review on Amazon.com. For those in Eretz Yisrael, my books are available at David Linden’s Bookstore located at Emek Refaim Street 21, Jerusalem, and at Pomeranz Bookstore, Be’eri 5, Jerusalem. They are very nice stores to visit and browse. 

Additionally, I have a new series of YouTube videos called “Rabbi Reuven Mann Torah Thoughts”: https://bit.ly/49N8hyX

Rabbi Reuven Mann

Rabbi Reuven Mann has been a pulpit Rabbi and a teacher of Torah for over fifty years. He is currently the Dean of Masoret Institute of Judaic Studies for Women and resides in Arnona, Jerusalem.