- Matchmakers' Flaws
- Rivkah Nachmias - Shadchan
- This is the big question in my heart.
- Too many young people are being hurt and discouraged by the
lack of sensitivity towards single men and women who are seeking
help from others in finding their mate. Sadly, I will try to
expound on some of the issues currently facing our
precious young people.
- How could people say that they will not work with 30 year
old singles because "they are problems"? Furthermore,
how does a shadchan, let alone others, state that 35 year olds
and over who are still single "need therapy " and that
if a man is still single at 45 or over, he deserves "to
die without children"!! Is this an example of the "help"
they are getting? The only real therapy the single people need
is to find a real match, a compatible mate and marry and share
love and family in a Torah observant home.
- I am overwhelmed with the lack of sensitivity and disgusting
attitudes displayed by people who profess to help. That is not
the proper behavior of a Torah observant Jew or any human being!
More and more of our young people are facing accusations that
they are "not serious" about getting married because
they are "selective" about who they choose as a possible
mate. Usually they are choosing the counterpart of "who
they are themselves", a real match.....willing to give exactly
what they are looking for in a mate. When going to purchase a
pair of shoes, one does not choose a green shoe and purple shoe....the
shoes chosen "match" to some degree!
- The girls are being lectured with rules to follow that lead
them to be harsh and arrogant and demanding of the men they date.
If a man calls on a Thursday or Friday they are to refuse going
out! What if the man just got the information and could not call
sooner? Also, a lunch date or coffee and dessert date is to be
refused as being inappropriate for sufficient exchange of ideals!
Nonsense. Who is to say that "any food" is necessary
in order to have good conversation!
In addition, since the earlier lunch date is not acceptable,
the dinner date is expected. The young man is obligated to drive
long distances regardless of his own time commitments, at night
when tired, creating an atmosphere that is conducive to accident.
Also, he is now required to spend hard earned money on someone's
dinner who is still unknown or "blind date".
- Why is it called a "blind date"?.....because people
refuse to show "photos". Is not a photo of the person
part of the information that should be given in addition to the
rest so that there are fewer sad and disappointing meetings?
Information is not given based on the "giver's" own
opinion and the hopeful soulmates are misled until they meet
and find out the truth! Why aren't the young people given the
opportunity to choose a mate based on "all" the information?
The young men are interrogated and must be making a high salary
and "be a professional" to meet the needs of the young
women who want "nice" things, even though the importance
should be placed on the character and values of the individual,
not what he can earn a week. Do we not know men who make large
sums of money only to be miserly and refuse to share it with
their wives? Some of these young women become depressed and disillusioned
and divorced because they looked "at" the young man's
profession and not "into his heart".
- What do we do with the young men who spent endless hours
obtaining their religious ordination and could not go to college
as well? Instead they obtain non professional, but good jobs.
The women who are college educated are not satisfied with young
men who have common sense and virtues, and those who try to "help
singles" intentionally keep these young men away, because
they are not professional and "good enough".
What happened to the "sweetness" of the young women?
Where is the consideration?
Where is the flexibility?
What about the main Torah rule of "do unto others"?
What happened to saying a simple "thank you"? Would
the women be so quick to spend their own time and money on a
relatively unknown individual? Hours of driving to and from a
blind date after work or when tired is not a good way of preventing
- When people intend to marry, compromising and flexibility
are what saves the destruction of a relationship. A marriage
could not survive if it were based on one person's demands....it
takes two to marry and two to make the marriage work, all with
the help of Hashem.
- If a young man is not wearing a certain type/color shirt,
suit or hat, he is disqualified. What about what is inside the
shirt, suit and under the hat? Does not "his character"
count or just the material items he is wearing?? What of a young
woman who is wearing the clothing that "should" be
worn, yet is a disgrace because she has lowered herself to improper
behavior. Have we not all seen people who come from a "good
family name", yet be one who is not a good individual? Have
we also not seen people who come from a terribly deprived background
be an absolute gem?
- Why are people judging other people.......is not Hashem the
one and only Judge?
Hashem judges each of us as individuals, according to our merits
and mistakes. Family virtues or errors do not enter into it when
and an individual is judged. Why is there no forgiveness of those
who have made mistakes and welcomed back with love as Hashem
does, even to the last moment of ones life?
- If you profess to help, then help....do not hurt those who
come in need.
- We are obligated to help each other....we are one people....we
have one Father in heaven and therefore we are all family.
Family gives love, not pain.
- What is going on?
- Mesora urges shadchannim to educate both themselves and
their singles on Torah ideology, and when it is not being followed,
to point this out to their singles. It is wrong to be more concerned
with keeping a friendly rapport with others-not making waves,
than it is to make a few waves and point out someone's correctible
flaw. Our society wrongly places good interpersonal relationships
above admonishment. Judaism teaches that we must rebuke our fellow
Jews, meaning, our concern is not to be liked by others, but
to assure that others have the right ideas of the Torah, even
if it means they will dislike us.
- Allowing others to follow wrong and destructive ideas
is cruelty to them and to anyone they come in contact with.