Be Careful What You Pray For

Rabbi Reuven Mann

The Power and Paradox of Prayer

A major feature of the Book of Devarim is Moshe’s retelling of the events which transpired during the Wilderness sojourn. Especially prominent are the incidents of the Golden Calf and the Spies, both of which brought the very existence of the Jews to the brink. Hashem informed Moshe that He would destroy the nation and create a new one out of him. Fortunately, however, in both of these cases, the doomsday scenario was averted because of the prayerful intervention of Moshe. [Note: If ever we need proof of the effectiveness of prayer these cases should provide it.]

We can’t help but note that while Moshe’s Tefillot (Prayers) for Klal Yisrael (the Congregation of Israel) achieved their purpose, those that were uttered on behalf of himself did not. For in this week’s Parsha, VaEtchanan, he vociferously entreated Hashem to allow him to enter the Promised Land. His request was rejected, and instead he was (unceremoniously) told, “Do not speak to Me any further on this matter” (Devarim 3:26). The question arises, why did Moshe’s intercessions for the People achieve success while those for his personal desires did not?

Perhaps we need to have a deeper understanding of the subject of Hashem’s answering of prayers. How G-d chooses to respond to the petitions of humans is clearly an area that is far beyond our comprehension, but perhaps we can glean some basic principles.

The Torah teaches that one may entreat Hashem for “anything that troubles him” (Melachim I 8:38). Indeed, some of the things people can pray for may seem very strange, even outrageous to us. The Gemara records that the mother of the Kohen Gadol (High Priest) would provide supplies for the family of those who were exiled to the “City of Refuge” so that they wouldn’t pray for the death of her son.

[Note: Those consigned to the city of refuge are permitted to return home only upon the death of the High Priest.]

Yet, one wonders why should the Kohen Gadol, presumably a righteous individual, die simply because someone who stood something to gain from his death prayed for it? This is obviously a very complicated matter, but it’s certainly another example of the “long reach” of Tefilla (Prayer).

However, just because one is permitted to pray for any of his heart’s desires, is it always wise to do so? Can there be any truth to the popular expression, “Watch out what you wish for, you just might get it”? What does this mean?

I believe it means that there are many things we would like to have, but that wouldn’t be good for us and, in fact could actually bring us harm. Unfortunately we do not know ourselves well enough and simplistically imagine that if we were to attain great materialistic success or unusual fame our lives would be greatly improved. But that is not always the case.

Many people strove and prayed for great financial gain and their prayers were answered. However, this brought out unanticipated emotions of superiority and arrogance and caused them to abandon many spiritual values they had previously lived by. As a consequence of their newfound “values” cherished relationships that had been a significant aspect of their lives were ruined. They didn’t truly know themselves, and had aspired to things that were not actually good for them. Be careful what you pray for!

Moshe’s Spiritual Rectification

Perhaps Hashem’s refusal to rescind the decree against Moshe was not a punishment for his transgression but a necessary step in its rectification. The idea I will now present is not my own but was communicated to me many years ago by a significant Torah scholar.

In attempting to understand this matter we must remember that Moshe had brought himself to near ruin when he postponed the circumcision of his son on the journey back to Mitzrayim. Thus, the Torah scholar concluded that, although Moshe was the most morally perfected individual in history, he was still human, with emotions that could interfere with his reason and cause him to err (i.e., sin).

The Torah scholar suggested that even though Moshe was at first very opposed to becoming the leader of Klal Yisrael, his attitude might have undergone a change over the years. Although Moshe was fully dedicated to the physical and spiritual welfare of Klal Yisrael without selfish motives, could he have become emotionally invested in succeeding in the mission Hashem had entrusted to him? This personal and very reasonable “ambition” might have been the factor that caused him to err in choosing to “arrange his lodgings” before circumcising his son.

Additionally, in the matter of Mei Meriva (Waters of Contention), his fear that the Peoples’ sin of complaining about the lack of water might bar them from entering the land, may have played a significant role in affecting his behavior in this episode. Thus, said the Talmid Chacham (Torah Scholar), the sin indicated the presence of an emotion within Moshe that interfered with his reason and caused him to distort the message of Hashem.

I believe that the words of the Rambam, which outline the prerequisites for prophecy, have great relevance here.

“It is a foundation of our religion that Hashem grants prophecy to man. Prophecy is only bestowed on a very wise sage of a strong character, who is never overpowered by his natural inclinations in any regard. Instead, he rules with his mind over his inclinations at all times.” (Hilchot Yesodei HaTorah 7:1)

On the basis of this interpretation, I believe that we can understand why Hashem refused to nullify the punishment of Moshe. It was more important for Moshe’s spiritual perfection that he be prevented from entering Eretz Yisrael (Land of Israel) and realizing his desire for success in his mission. Because of this, he was compelled to work on himself to identify the emotion and bring it under the control of his reason.

And perhaps that is the meaning of Hashem’s message, “Do not speak to Me any further on this matter” (Devarim 3:26). Hashem was telling him to recognize that he would not be going into the land, and therefore he should focus all of his energy on coming to grips with and overcoming the impulse which had led to his transgression.

It was necessary for Hashem to instruct Moshe to no longer pray on this matter, for as long as there is hope that one might attain his heart’s desire, he cannot focus all of his energy on relinquishing the dream and uprooting the longing for it from his heart.

Learning from Yaakov: Letting Go for Teshuva

We find a perfect example of this in the case of Yaakov Avinu (our Forefather). He had a very intense love for his son, Yosef, and as the Pasuk (verse) states it clouded his judgement and caused him to favor him in a manner which aroused the envy of his siblings, which led to tragic consequences. Eventually, Yosef came to the realization (from his interpretation of the dreams) that his task was to engineer the circumstances which would compel the various parties to engage in Teshuva (repentance), for their sins.

After losing Yosef, Yaakov did not engage in introspection or confront the powerful emotions which had led to his ‘excessive love’ of Yosef. Instead, he transferred those feelings onto Yosef’s brother Binyamin, who became a substitute for Yosef in the psyche of Yaakov. In order to properly engage in Teshuva and overcome his extreme attachment, it was essential that he be forced to part with Binyamin who he had not sent to Egypt with his other sons because of the dangers of that journey, which was another example of favoring one son over the others.

When the brothers returned from Egypt and told Yaakov that in order to go back there again they would have to bring Binyamin, he, at first, vociferously demurred. As the need for supplies increased, Yaakov finally accepted the guarantees of Yehuda and entrusted Binyamin to his care, saying,

“May Keil Shakkai (G-d Al-mighty) grant you mercy before the man that he may release to you your other brother as well as Binyamin; and as for me, as I have been bereaved, so I am bereaved” (Bereishit 43:14).

Only when Yaakov accepted the reality that his son was lost to him could he engage in the inner process of freeing himself from the emotion that had distorted his thinking.

This Parsha holds great relevance for us. The philosophy of Torah is not that one should blindly pursue his dreams in life. We should not assume that just because we yearn for something or are infatuated with someone that having them is necessarily good for us.

Occasionally, when our persistent prayers remain unanswered, we should consider the possibility that we are better off not obtaining the object of our desire. This is not necessarily indicative of personal faults, but at the same time it is an important opportunity to reflect on and free us from powerful longings for the wrong things.

[Note: Of course, when we pray for worthwhile things like Shiduchim (marital prospects) or children, we must persist in our prayer and Hishtadlut (religious efforts) for a long time, as the Matriarchs did in their desire for children.]

Sometimes, we may have fallen deeply in love with someone who is just “unsuitable” for us. The feeling can be so compelling that we might rush into a disastrous marriage simply because we cannot see beyond our fantasies.

It is therefore crucial to remember that while prayer is very significant, there are times when we must refrain from it. To continue praying is to deny the reality that the thing you crave is harmful to you, and this prevents you from grappling with the emotion and overcoming it.

Ultimately, in order to serve Hashem properly, we can’t allow ourselves to be enslaved to unruly feelings. We must be in complete control of our emotions so that we can attach them to activities, people, and pursuits fostering growth in Torah, righteousness, and perfection, so that we can achieve a higher degree of Ahavat Hashem (Love of G-d).

May Hashem assist us in this significant endeavor.

Shabbat Shalom.

Questions? Comments?

Please reach out to Rabbi Mann on WhatsApp at 050-709-2372 or by email at rebmann21@aol.com.