Honoring Parents

Rabbi Moshe Ben-Chaim

Reader 1: With regard to the commandment to honor your father and mother, in practical terms, what does honoring entail? 

Rabbi: Maimonides writes:

What is the distinction between fear and honor? Fear signifies that the son must neither stand nor sit in his father's place; he must not contradict his father nor decide against him. What does honor signify? The son must provide his father and mother with food and drink and clothing, paid for by the father. If the father has no money and the son has, he is compelled to maintain his father and mother as much as he can. He must manage his father's affairs, conducting him in and out, and doing for him the kind of service that is performed by servants for their master; he should rise before him, as he should rise before his teacher (Hilchos Mamrim 6:3).

To what lengths should the honoring of one's father and mother go? Even if they took a pocketful of gold pieces belonging to him and cast it into the sea right in his presence, he must not shame them or scream and be angry at them; instead, he should accept the divine decree and keep silent. 

To what lengths should the duty of fearing them go? Even if he wore costly clothes while presiding over a public assembly, and his father and mother came and tore his clothes, struck him on the head, and spat in his face, he must not embarrass them but keep silent. He should revere and fear the supreme King of kings who has thus commanded him. Had a mortal king laid a more painful restraint on him, he would be powerless to struggle against it; so much the more if the decree comes from him who spoke and the world came into being by His will (Hilchos Mamrim 6:7).

Reader 2:  In 6:7, honor and fear appear to share the same criteria. Wherein do they differ?

Rabbi: Honoring parents focuses on the “parent” as opposed to the self…I will explain. Fulfilling this command is expressed as a child dignifies parents and their reputations through positive acts like feeding and clothing them, and through abstaining from insulting them. This maintains their dignity.

Fear refers to “oneself”: one must ignore the self, not aggrandizing oneself by contradicting a parent. One must not oppose their parents’ character or their words, or impinge upon their honor by dignifying oneself and sitting in their place.

Honor is directed towards the parent; fear is directed towards the self. 

Proof that fear relates to the self is seen where a son is in front of an audience and his dignity is tarnished by his parent’s attack. Refraining from defending his reputation is “fear,” not “honor.” In his fear, he restrains his “selfish” goals. Refraining from preserving his dignity, he is acting upon the self. And, unlike honor, fear is tied to the “King of all kings.” Fear of God is an act between ourselves and God, not our parents. In fear, the focus is on the self. 

Reading Maimonides again, we see his distinction more clearly:

“Honor” is even if parents took a pocketful of gold pieces belonging to him and cast it into the sea right in his presence, he must not shame them or scream and be angry at them; instead, he should accept the divine decree and keep silent. 

“Fear” is even if he wore costly clothes while presiding over a public assembly, and his father and mother came and tore his clothes, struck him on the head, and spat in his face, he must not embarrass them but keep silent.

Maimonides’ cases contain subtle clues. They illustrate the clear distinction between honor and fear. Carefully analyzing our rabbis’ precise formulations unveils their underlying brilliance.