Ki
Tetze
“If a man takes a wife, is intimate with her and
despises her.” ( Devarim 22:13)
One
of the mitzvot discussed in this
week’s parasha is the mitzvah of marriage. The above passage introduces the Torah’s
discussion of a man who libels his wife and the penalty for this crime. However, this passage is also the source for
the mitzvah of marriage.
According
to the Torah, two people that wish to live together as man and wife must first
enter into a formal betrothal agreement.
There are various ways to create this agreement. However, the most common method is through kinyan kesef – a transaction executed by
the payment of money or an object of significant financial value. In general practice, the perspective husband
gives a ring to the women he wishes to marry.
Her acceptance of the wedding band creates the required betrothal
agreement between the parties.
It is important to appreciate that the use of kinyan kesef in the marriage process does not indicate that the
husband is “purchasing” the wife. In
Torah law husbands do not own their wives.
Instead, kinyan kesef is used
to express full agreement between the parties to the marriage.
As
mentioned above, the general practice is to perform kinyan kesef through the transfer of a ring from the man to the
woman. What is the reason for this
practice? Sefer HaChinuch discusses
this issue. He explains that the
agreement that the man and woman enter into renders a halachic change in the
status of the woman. She is now
regarded as betrothed. Intimacy with a
man other than her husband is a violation of the mitzvah prohibiting adultery.
The ring that the woman accepts she wears as a physical representation
of the halachic change that has taken place in her status.[1]
It
is worth noting that Sefer HaChinuch would probably not approve of an exchange
of rings between the man and woman. The
man does not undergo an equivalent change in his halachic status. According to the Torah, adultery only occurs
through intimacy between a married woman and a man other than her husband. In such a relationship both the man and the
woman are adulterers and have violated the mitzvah
prohibiting adultery. However, an
intimate relationship between a married man and an unmarried woman does not
constitute adultery. An exchange of
rings undermines the essential message communicated by the wedding band. If both the man and woman wear rings, the
ring worn by the woman no longer communicates a change of halachic status.
Of
course, these comments are not intended as a halachic ruling. Instead, these comments are merely a
reflection upon the implications of Sefer HaChinuch’s position.
One
of the most interesting elements of the Torah’s formulation of marriage is that
the man must betroth the woman.
Although marriage is a mutual agreement between the parties, the man
must be the active party in kinyan kesef. The woman must fully agree the
marriage. But betrothal cannot take
place through the woman giving the wedding band or some object of monetary
value to the man.
In
order to understand the reasoning behind the formulation it is helpful to
consider the blessings that are recited at the wedding. Two sets of blessings
are recited. Each corresponds with one
of the two steps of the process of marriage.
What
are these two steps? The process begins
with the betrothal. This is the
agreement between the two parties to enter into marriage. As we have explained, the step is typically
accomplished through kinyan kesef and
specifically through the man giving the woman a wedding band. This step does not complete the
marriage. At the juncture at which the
man gives the woman the wedding band the parties are betrothed. But the marriage is not complete. The second step is nesuin – marriage proper.
This is accomplished through the man bringing his betrothed into his
domain or home. These are various
opinions regarding precisely how this is accomplished in the conventional
marriage “ceremony.” According to many
authorities the presence of the couple under the chuppah – the wedding canopy – accomplishes nesuin. Others maintain
that nesuin is not completed until yechud – when the man and woman are
alone together in a private room.
Two
blessings are recited prior to the betrothal. These blessings correspond to the
betrothal that will be performed immediately after their recitation. After the man gives the woman the ring and
betrothal is completed, seven other blessings are recited. These blessings correspond to and relate to
the nesuin.
Let
us focus on the third and forth blessings.
The third is very brief. We
acknowledge Hashem as the creator of humanity.
The forth blessing is somewhat more elaborate. It recognizes that humanity is created in the image of
Hashem. It continues and states that
Hashem prepared for man or humanity a permanent structure. The blessing’s ending is exactly the same as
the ending of the prior blessing. It
recognizes that Hashem is the creator of humanity.
These
two blessings present a number of problems.
First, they seem repetitive.
Their endings are identical. The
first seems to be a brief acknowledgement of humanity’s creation and the second
seems to be a more elaborate recognition of the same idea. Second, in the second blessing, we state
that Hashem created for man or humanity a permanent structure. However, it is not clear to what structure
this blessing refers. Finally, both of
these blessings are an acknowledgement of humanity’s creation by Hashem. Why is this acknowledgement essential to the
marriage process? Why are we reviewing
the first two chapters of Sefer Beresheit under the chuppah?
In
order to understand the commentaries’ explanation of these blessings, we must
review the Torah’s account of creation.
The first chapter of Sefer Bereshiet provides a brief summary of
creation. In that summary, the Torah
tells us the humanity was created on the sixth day. The Torah explains that humanity was formed with two
genders. Man and woman were created.
The
next chapter elaborates upon the creation of humanity. The Torah explains that Adam – the male
gender – was initially created. Adam
recognized that he did not have a mate.
Hashem then took a portion of the man and created Chavah – woman.
It
is notable that according to the Torah, Chavah was created in response to
Adams’s longing or sense of deficiency.
Only after, and in response to, Adam’s realization that he was lacking a
partner was Chavah created.
From
this account it is clear that Adam’s cognition of his own incompleteness was a
precursor to Chavah’s creation. In
other words, before Chavah was formed Adam was required to have an appreciation
of her significance and his own inadequacy without his partner.
Now
let us consider the comments of the Sages regarding the two blessings discussed
above. Etz Yosef and others comment
that the first of these two blessings refers to the initial formation of man –
prior to the creation of Chavah. The
second, more elaborate blessing refers to the creation of humanity with its two
genders. This second blessing
communicates that the completion of the creation of humanity as an intelligent
species – in the image of its creator – was only accomplished with the formation
of Chavah. This explains the reference
to a permanent structure. Humanity
achieved permanence through the structure of a man/woman unit. Prior to the creation of Chavah, Adam was
still a “work in process.” Only with
the emergence of Chavah was the creation of humanity complete. Only at this point did humanity emerge as a
creation deserving permanence.[2]
Why
are these blessings a fundamental aspect of the process of marriage? Apparently, every marriage should be a
reenactment of the drama of creation.
Marriage cannot be an agreement of convenience between two parties. Neither can marriage be a means for the
pursuit of lustful desires. Marriage
requires a cognitive recognition. The
man must recognize that by divine design he is incomplete and inadequate. He can only complete himself and find
fulfillment through entering into a relationship with his partner.
Each
time the process of marriage takes place, the plan and design of creation is
reenacted. The man and woman must
recognize that their relationship is an expression of the design of creation
and an expression of the will of the Creator.
We
can now understand the respective roles of the man and woman in the
betrothal. The man must betroth the
woman. He must be the active party in
the kinyan kesef. The betrothal reenacts the original union
between Adam and Chavah. In order for
the betrothal to reenact this drama, each party must recreate the role of his
or her ancestor. The man takes on the
role of Adam. He must recognize that
through marriage he completes himself.
The woman assumes the role of Chavah.
She must appreciate that through her role in this union, she completes
the design of creation of humanity.