| PASSIONS |

What is Love?

RABBI MOSHE BEN-CHAIM

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One of the most asked questions is “What is love?” First, we must posit that love is nether a good or a bad. Like all other emotions, King Solomon taught, “To everything, there is a time and place under the heavens” (Ecclesiastes 3:1). Thus, no emotion—not even love—is always a good. We must also distinguish romantic love from other types, like loving a family member, a child, a friend, or loving a pet. But we can altogether dismiss expressions such as “loving” a location or a food as mere metaphor, and not the literal use of psychological or emotional “love.”

Romantic love is the loss of focus on the self, in the yearning for another, where one cannot easily withdraw his thoughts about that person, and would sacrifice for that person. This feeling can arrive immediately, or over time. What generates this feeling is subjective and varies from person to person. Factors such as physical attraction, personality or familiarity bred over time can cause romantic love. The feeling endures when there is a sustained emotional and intellectual value for the other party. The euphoria of romantic love is in fact a disguised duplication in adulthood, of the love typically felt by a child for the parent during infancy (Freud). Many romantic loves die when one discovers distasteful elements in a partner, or if one does not feel that the love is reciprocated by the other partner. Therefore, romantic love requires reciprocation, and without it, it ceases. A great part of love for a romantic partner is the feeling that they value you, the same way that you value them. One’s self worth often depends on their partner valuing them.

Other types of love include love of family and friends. In this type of love, reciprocation is not necessary for the love to endure. This is because this type of love does not need the self to be loved; it can be a one-sided love. This type of love is a generous type where the loving person only wants to good for another, without the need for reciprocation and is not dependent upon the other party’s thoughts or feelings towards you.

Pirkei Avos 5:16 (Ethics of the Fathers) discusses enduring love versus non-enduring love:

“All love that depends on a something, [when the] thing ceases, [the] love ceases; and [all love] that does not depend on anything, will never cease. What is an example of love that depended on a something? Such was the love of Amnon for Tamar. And what is an example of love that did not depend on anything? Such was the love of David and Jonathan.”

Maimonides comments:

“The explanation of these words is like this: You know that if the physical causes are negated and removed, then it will be necessary that what they cause [the love] will be removed. But when the cause of the love is a divine matter [the love of David and Jonathan] and that is the true science, it is impossible for that love to be removed ever, as its cause is eternally in existence.”

Since King David and Jonathan loved each other based on their mutual value of Torah, their love endured, as Torah values are eternal. But as Amnon’s love for Tamar relied on his mood, once that state vanished, he despised Tamar to an even greater degree than his love. The message from Pirkei Avos is that what is not eternal, is of little value...even an intense love. So it is wise to find a partner that shares Torah values so the love endures. Romantic love without a shared value system, many times ends. Romantic attraction is a novelty which fades, but attraction to a person of value endures: “Grace is false, and beauty is futile; a woman who fears God is praised” (Proverbs 31:30), “A gold ring in the snout of a pig, so too is a beautiful woman lacking reason” (Proverbs 11:22). The pig’s disgust greatly obscures the gold ring, just as the woman’s personality obscures her beauty.

Love for pets is an interesting phenomenon where the owner of a pet projects onto the pet that the pet loves him, causing the owner’s love towards the pet. However, pets do not have human psychology, and their loyalty to their owners is of a different type. Every human being needs to feel important and pets provide this unconditional emotional support.

This is just a brief outline, and there is much more to be explored.

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