- Chesed Shel Emes
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- Rivka Olenick
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- According to the Raavad: "Marriage is man's natural
state." Without a mate, human beings are incomplete; through
marriage man's completion is achieved. Marriage and family are
essential to God's divine plan and reflect an important part of man's
nature. Marriage is not an arbitrary institution created by society.
In Genesis 2:18, we read: "It is not good for man to be
alone." "It is not good." Listen to the Ramban:
"The meaning expressed in 'it is not good', is that it cannot be
said of man that "it is good" when he is alone for he will
not be able to so exist. In the work of creation, "the good"
means existence. And God saw that it was good." Man was alone for
a time although according the Ramban: "It does not appear likely
that man was created to be alone in the world and not beget children
since all created beings, male and female of all flesh were created to
raise seed." When woman was created from him she was brought to
him. Adom could not be satisfied unless he had woman and so God put
Adom to sleep and from one of his ribs God created her as a helper to
man. When she was brought to him, he desired to be with her. "The
calling of the names" of the animal species, by Adom was done to
reflect the concept of "the help". However, his need for
"help" was to be satisfied by the one who could
"help" him live the right existence. Since existence is the
"good" woman was created and brought to him as part of the
"good." She is the good as far as man's existence is
concerned.
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- Man needed to identify with her intellectually, physically and
psychologically. He needed to realize that without her he was lacking,
as he proved to himself by the naming of the animals. Although their
natures are different or opposite, only by conforming and directing
their energies together to the will of God, could they live
harmoniously. In Genesis 2:24, we read: "Therefore shall a man
leave his father and his mother and cleave unto his wife and they
shall be one flesh." The concept of "one flesh" is
completely unique to man. Animals procreate with whatever mate of
their particular species and then go their separate ways. This is not
so with man. Man "cleaves" to his wife, as woman is
literally taken from him, from a part of his body and so he cleaves to
her, takes her to him as his own and with her creates children. Their
flesh is united into one.
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- So, where does chesed fit into all of this? The Sifre says:
"Chesed begins with those who are closest to us and then to
encompass our neighbors and then finally the rest of the world."
Jewish law requires that a man be as concerned about his wife as he
would be about himself. However, it is only when each is concerned for
the other, will happiness fill their lives. The most important
component for building a happy home of Torah through marriage is
kindness, chesed. A friend of mine said: "The greatest gift I can
give my children is my peaceful marriage built on chesed." This
is totally true because the foundation of chesed can only be built by
husband and wife, and ideally should be the primary focus of marriage,
that is then transmitted to one's children by example. Marriage is the
beginning of chesed, because each one is obligated to shift the focus
from the self to their spouse and children. Our natural inclination is
to live by and for ourselves. A person who pursues true chesed, is
sincerely concerned for the other's well being. For most people this
does not come easy and requires so much patience and thought. Once the
person satisfies his or her emotion of "well, what will I get out
of this?" then hopefully he or she will gradually be more
involved in chesed based on emes, truth.
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- Often we forget and/or ignore the concept of "created
being" selem elokim. We forget that this "other" person
is also created in the image of God. This person was also created for
the specific purpose of complying to the will of God. This person also
needs every opportunity for spiritual growth and potential. This
person was not created to satisfy my needs alone. (read that statement
again!) Men and women become easily caught up in the anticipation of
"what will I get out of this marriage?" However, the purpose
of marriage is to live harmoniously by living a life directed by God's
will, the emes, truth according to law and the appropriate philosophy.
A life of emes that satisfies the needs of both husband and wife
should be directed to the middle path with an appropriate philosophy.
The appropriate philosophy is not the philosophy of what car to buy or
what style of house we must have. I'm referring to: "What is the
purpose of this marriage and our life?" Thinking about this idea
seriously and then internalizing it will foster kindness based on
truth. Both will understand that truth translates into human
"existence" which is "the good" and the good can
only be achieved through chesed or kindness based first on truth, not
based on selfish needs first. If a woman would think more about the
fact that she and her husband will be the transmitters of Torah, she
might be less preoccupied with what her material gain might be. She
would hopefully be less demanding of her husband to make more money
and encourage him more to invest time in his learning as she would
invest in her own. She will see the potential they both have and can
achieve, since woman naturally has a better sense of reality. At the
same time, if a man would see that his wife will create a calm,
peaceful home and nuture the children that they will give Torah over
to, wouldn't he be more appreciative of her? He would be much more
concerned about her needs and would offer to help her since he is to
love her as himself and honor her more than himself. This is certainly
the ultimate chesed.
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